Sunday, May 3, 2009

No more school, no more books . . .

Ha!  I'm back!  School is out, finals are done, graduation is on Saturday - it's kind of strange to think that this is it, I have no more classes to go to, ever, unless I want to.  The change seems so, I don't know.  I don't think it's really sunk in yet.  

I kind of feel like I want to live below the radar for a while.  I don't know if I'm ready, mentally, emotionally or artistically to plunge right in to "the rest of my life" as people call it.  Which, by the way is a really odd term.  It's like the 22 odd years that I've already lived don't count or something, like they're practice, and yet the decisions that I've made over the past two decades really do have an impact on what I do with the rest of my life.  I don't like how, at least here in the west, we compartmentalize and create these stages of life.  Cause it's not true or accurate.  We don't ever really stop being children, and I hope that I never come to a point in my life where I stop learning or stop being moldable and teachable.  Yes, I think there comes a time when a person had to bring up all of the lessons they've learned so far and impart that knowledge to others, but if someone actually knew everything there was to know, then they'd be God, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with that.  I mean with a person being God.  Unless it was Jesus.  Never-mind.

Anyway, I've been wrestling with this lately.  I have these highs where the knowledge that I'm graduating, that I'm done with school just completely fills my head and I start to fall into this trap of "wow, I am so cool" or I have nothing else to accomplish, or "I have reached the limit".  Then I have to stop myself or something else stops me, and I have to really examine my heart and my intentions all over again, and I'm reminded of how small I really am, how little I know about the world and myself, or I'm just overwhelmed by my own failings and incompetency.  

And what have I really done here with my time?  What have I really accomplished?  Does it matter?  Have I accomplished the things that should have been accomplished?  Have I done everything that God wanted me to do here?  Have I been everything that I should have been for him?  I don't know.  And then I remember that verse where it says something like 'My grace is sufficient for each day'.  I'm not big enough to ruin God's plans for the world.  But then I think, am I just making excuses for myself?

Arg.  I wish I had classes to go to.  Then at least my mind wouldn't have time to run around in these circles.  

Above are a couple of pages from my completed thesis.  Ha! Yeah!  I'm done!  It was really anticlimactic though.  I think I've begun to see that there really isn't a beginning and an end to things, there's just another step, and you really can't stop. you know?  You just keep moving along.  

I'll put up some other images soon.  I have to pack up my room so that we can ship everything back to Texas.  

Oh!  And two more things!  My new website is up!  Go see it:

And also, if you would like to buy a copy of my Alaska journal, you can order it off Lulu.  There are digital copies and printed copies available.  

Search "Sara Silkwood" at the Lulu website, or copy and paste the link below:

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